


home for the holidays

by xphantomhive



Category: Homestuck
Genre: And not fighting what is probably their final battle, Christmas, Dave being an asshole, Everyone is alive and together, John being an angry housewife, John cooking holiday dinners for everyone, M/M, Super fluffy shit, Thanksgiving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-27
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-05-03 13:48:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5293469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xphantomhive/pseuds/xphantomhive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Holidays on the meteor are absolute fucking hell, and John wants to dunk his head into a pot of boiling water. But if he died, there would be no one to make Christmas dinner, or any food for that matter, and everyone would probably die. Well, since he's god tier he would probably come back, but Karkat and Dave would probably kill each other in the whole minute it takes him to reincarnate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. thanksgiving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy thanksgiving! :) i hope you had a good one.

JOHN: kanaya, do you think you could alchemize me a turkey?

KANAYA: A What?

You want to dunk your head into a pot of boiling water.

It’s been five hours, and you’re still trying to make a half-decent thanksgiving dinner for everyone on the meteor. That proves to be difficult when your assistants are aliens from another planet who know virtually nothing about human items and holidays, and the only way to get kitchen appliances and ingredients is by punching a code for them into a machine and waiting for them. So far, all you have is three aprons (for you, Karkat, and Kanaya), a turkey baster, three cans of gravy, a pack of frozen mashed potatoes, and a pot.

KARKAT: IT’S SOME KIND OF HUMAN FOOD.

JOHN: thank you for stating the obvious, karkat.

JOHN: i do not know how to describe turkey to you, kanaya. it’s a kind of meat. do you know what that is?

KANAYA: Of Course I Know What Meat Is

KANAYA: I Am Not Stupid, John

JOHN: just making sure, jeez!

JOHN: ugh, okay. i will try to alchemize a turkey on my own. you guys just wait here.

JOHN: and don’t touch anything!

You don’t trust Karkat to not touch anything, because, like you, he’s so curious that it’s almost kind of annoying. But you know Kanaya won’t mess with anything, and since she’s kind of like, Karkat’s mom in a way, you know she won’t let him either. Halfway to the room at the end of the meteor that the alchemizer is in, you break into a jog. It isn’t like you have any reason to be rushing, because you definitely don’t have anywhere important to be, but you feel like you should try to make it there so no one else can use the alchemizer before you.

Once you make it there, you’re relieved to find the lights off and the room empty. You flip the switch up and after flickering briefly, the lights pop on. The alchemizer is in the corner, and you decide since you’re already here and don’t want to do anymore running back and forth, you’ll just alchemize everything all at once.

Since you’ve been pretty unlucky for the past three years of your life, you don’t expect that alchemizing a turkey, stuffing, seasoning, pumpkin pie, whipped cream, and a carving knife will be easy, but it actually is. Because you manage to get everything alchemized so fast, you decide to also alchemize a bag to carry everything in, which alchemizes a lot faster than the other stuff.

You jog back to what you guess could be classified as the kitchen, and are happy to find everything exactly where you left it. Kanaya and Karkat have both donned their aprons, and they’re sitting at the table that took a whole hour to alchemize (and an extra thirty minutes for chairs) talking about god knows what.

KANAYA: How Did It Go?

KARKAT: YEAH, DID YOU GET A TURKEY?

JOHN: not just a turkey!

JOHN: i got everything i need to make a proper thanksgiving dinner. we can start cooking!

KARKAT: GREAT, I AM SO VERY EXCITED TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE DISGUSTING HUMAN FOOD THAT WILL GIVE ME NO NUTRITION WHATSOEVER AND WILL PROBABLY TASTE LIKE A STEAMING PILE OF GARBAGE.

KANAYA: Karkat, Quit Being So Grouchy

KANAYA: John Has Been Very Culturally Sensitive Thus Far, And We Must Try To Do The Same For Him

KANAYA: Do You Understand?

Karkat looks down, kind of like he’s ashamed. You almost laugh. Almost.

KARKAT: YEAH. SORRY, KANAYA.

KANAYA: It Is Fine, Karkat

You throw your apron on and make quick work of tying it in the back, and then you lay all of the things you’ve alchemized on the table. Karkat and Kanaya both crowd around you, trying to see what you’re doing. You don’t mind it, really; compared to the things people have watched you doing, cooking a thanksgiving dinner is fairly trivial.

You put the turkey in the oven first, since you had thankfully been able to alchemize it already defrosted, and then you open the cans of gravy and pour them into a pot with hot water. Your dad didn’t only teach you how to bake cake, but how to make a proper dinner for every major holiday that you had to celebrate with family that you barely even knew.

KARKAT: WHY DID YOU PUT THE…

KARKAT: UM…

JOHN: gravy?

KARKAT: YEAH, THAT SHIT.

KARKAT: WHY DID YOU PUT IT IN A POT WITH WATER?

KANAYA: Will That Not Make It Thinner?

JOHN: well, yeah.

JOHN: that is kind of the point, really.

JOHN: see, if the gravy is too thick, it tastes really bad. so you want it to be kind of thin. the only way to make it thinner is to mix it with some water.

JOHN: but it will taste good, i promise!

Karkat and Kanaya both look skeptical, but they nod anyway.

You move on to the stuffing next. Your dad used to make it from scratch, but the one thing you could never do was that, so you’d decided to just alchemize pre-made stuffing. But you know from experience that it tastes like garbage pre-made if you don’t add a little bit of extra seasoning to it, so you cut the pack open with the carving knife and sprinkle some of whatever-the-hell seasoning you’d alchemized over it.

Once that’s done, you dump it out onto a plate and put it in the microwave. You’re glad that there had already been a microwave on the meteor when you gotten there, because god knows how long it would have taken to alchemize one. Then you move on to the potatoes, which you also add extra seasoning to because just like the stuffing, they taste like trash without something extra.

Kanaya leaves after you have the stuffing out of the microwave and the potatoes in, because she explains quickly that she’d promised Rose that she’d help her make something special for everyone to wear to your little dinner which she knows is going to take a while. You nod and thank her for sticking around as long as she did, even though she could’ve left a while ago and you really wouldn’t have cared.

JOHN: karkat, do you think you could gut the turkey?

You yank the oven open and back up in hopes that it won’t steam your glasses up, but you aren’t fast enough and it is anyway. You grab the turkey once you can see again and drop it on the table, and Karkat pulls a face.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

JOHN: it means, use this knife to cut out all of the extra things inside the turkey. like, if you see a bone, or fatty meat, cut it out of the turkey.

KARKAT: I’LL TRY, BUT I’VE NEVER “GUTTED” A TURKEY.

JOHN: that’s ok! i am sure you will do fine.

You hand him the knife and then you push the turkey toward him, making sure to warn him that the pan is hot, but he touches it anyway and doesn’t pull his hand away like a human would. You guess troll skin is thicker than human skin and it doesn’t hurt, or something. Once you deem that Karkat doesn’t need to be watched, you turn away from him and mix the gravy. It’s thin enough to be taken off the stove, so you do just that.

Then you start to mix more seasoning into the mashed potatoes, since you’d taken a small bite of them and they still tasted pretty bland. You’re a few seconds into sprinkling what you’re pretty sure is salt on them when you feel hands on your waist, and you roll your eyes.

JOHN: kinda doing something here, dude.

DAVE: oops didnt even notice

DAVE: ill go

He doesn’t. You knew he wasn’t going to.

Instead, he mouths something against your neck that you can’t quite make out, and then starts pecking the parts of your shoulders that are exposed and your nape. It’s nothing short of absolutely fucking distracting, but you do a good job of ignoring it anyway. There really is no such time as thing on the meteor, so you aren’t under a restraint or anything, but you’re still trying to make a home-cooked meal for everyone to enjoy and your boyfriend suckling your neck and shoulders hard enough to leave marks isn’t exactly helping your concentration.

JOHN: dave!

JOHN: jesus, are you ever not horny? is there any time of day when you are not making up schemes to come on to me, or better yet, not coming on to me at all?

DAVE: nope

DAVE: get the best plans when im sleepin

DAVE: even better ones in the shower

JOHN: you are an asshole! i am trying to make a nice, home-cooked meal for every one to enjoy, and you are distracting me.

KARKAT: STRIDER, FUCK OFF.

DAVE: fuck you vantas

You narrow your eyes and huff like a petulant child.

JOHN: both of you shut the fuck up!

JOHN: i do not need you fighting like little kids while i’m trying to make food!

JOHN: dave, go see rose and kanaya. they are probably almost done with every one’s outfits, and they will want you to try yours on. or go bother jade! give her tummy rubs, for all i care. just let me finish cooking, jeez.

DAVE: alright but i need a promise that im gonna get a hot makeout session tonight when everyone is sleeping

JOHN: da-

DAVE: john i need you to promise me

DAVE: that you will let me shove my tongue down your throat

DAVE: tonight after everyone is asleep

KARKAT: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. I AM RIGHT HERE, YOU ASS.

JOHN: fine, god, whatever. you can put your tongue anywhere you want if you just leave me alone for like, five minutes! that’s it, five minutes. dinner is almost done.

DAVE: gotcha but im gonna hold you to that

Once Dave’s finally gone, you breathe a sigh of relief.

It isn’t that you don’t like his company, or anything. It’s just that he’s really clingy, maybe because you were separated for three years and he thought you died or something, you don’t know. You actually think it’s kind of cute how clingy he is, but you know Karkat is right there at the table and you’re trying to do something.

As you’d said, it only takes you about five minutes to finish everything up. For an alien from another planet who has never heard of thanksgiving, you notice that Karkat had actually done a pretty good job with cutting the turkey and you have no trouble stuffing it. He watches while you do it, and once you’re finished, you dig through the remains to find the wishbone.

JOHN: this is called the wishbone.

JOHN: whoever breaks the bigger piece off gets to make a wish. grab the end, ok?

KARKAT: THIS SOUNDS STUPID AS SHIT, BUT FINE.

He does as you say, and ends up breaking off the bigger end.

JOHN: make a wish!

KARKAT: I WISH FOR STRIDER TO FALL INTO A PIT OF FUCKING FIRE OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

JOHN: you aren’t supposed to say it out loud!

JOHN: and hey, that is my boyfriend you’re talking about! watch it, karkat.

KARKAT: OH SHUT THE FUCK UP. HE ANNOYS YOU, TOO.

JOHN: well yeah, but i don’t want him to fall into a pit of fire!

JOHN: now come on, kanaya and rose are probably done with the outfits.

Rose and Kanaya are indeed done with the outfits.

They’d made all of the girls dresses and the guys suits, and for a suit it’s actually pretty comfortable to wear and you could see yourself wearing it more often if your god tier pajamas weren’t so comfortable. Once all of you make it to the table, everything has been set up nicely and Dave is sitting at the head. He smirks when you look at him.

DAVE: set up the table for you

DAVE: you proud babe

JOHN: oh yes, so proud, dave.

JOHN: you can arrange things on a table. i am in awe.

Rose hides her snicker behind her hand. You knab the seat on the right side of Dave and Karkat sits next to you, and from there everyone else just kind of fills in the extra chairs. Even though your dad or uncle or whatever would usually say grace and make everyone say what they were thankful for, you decide against that because everyone is already grabbing food anyway, plus the trolls are probably already confused enough by human holidays. You don’t need to make this any more confusing than it already is.

Kanaya grabs the least food and Terezi grabs the most, and by the time everyone has something they’d like to eat everything is pretty much gone. There would usually be leftovers at your house, but you’ve seen some of the people on this meteor eat, and you didn’t expect there to be much leftover, if anything at all.

DAVE: dude this is the best thing ive ever eaten

DAVE: john i love you even more now

DAVE: im ready to get married if it means i can have your cooking every night

JOHN: are you telling me i’m the woman in this relationship?

DAVE: duh

DAVE: i mean you just made dinner for all of us

DAVE: youre like the epitome of a housewife bro

ROSE: I hate to agree with Dave, but that is exactly something a housewife would do.

TEREZI: H4H4 JOHN 1S TH3 WOM4N 1N TH3 R3L4T1ONSH1P

TEREZI: 1M NOT SURPR1S3D

JOHN: i hate all of you and i am not making christmas dinner.

KARKAT: WHAT IN THE FUCK IS THAT?

JOHN: another human holiday where we give gifts and eat different food.

JOHN: it is a lot better than thanksgiving.

That sparks an argument between Jade and Dave, because apparently Jade thinks thanksgiving is ten times better than Christmas and Dave agrees with you.

JADE: dave you dont like christmas that much!!!!

JADE: youre totally just saying that because john likes christmas more than thanksgiving and you want him to suck your dick! youre an asshole

JOHN: JADE! that is not something to mention at thanksgiving dinner!

DAVE: maybe i just like christmas ever thought of that harley

DAVE: the snow, the lights

JADE: it doesnt even snow in texas you fuckwad!

JOHN: oh my fucking god, can we not even eat thanksgiving dinner without arguing?

KANAYA: It Appears Not

Yeah, you want to dunk your head into a pot of boiling water.

But you love everyone here too much for that.

(plus, you know they can't make christmas dinner on their own, or any food for that matter, and you're worried they'll starve to death if you die. well you'd probably come back, but karkat and dave would probably kill each other in the minute it would take you to reincarnate.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter will be christmas on the meteor. i'm not going to wait until christmas to write it, though. it'll probably be up tomorrow.


	2. christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> said i would have this done before christmas, has it done by may.
> 
> nailed it.

KANAYA: What Is This Thing

KANAYA: It Is Getting These Other Things All Over The Carpet

JOHN: it’s called a christmas tree, kanaya.

JOHN: and the things that are getting all over the carpet are pine needles.

KANAYA: Should They Not Be Called Christmas Needles?

KANAYA: You Said It Was A Christmas Tree

KANAYA: And Then Proceeded To Tell Me Pine Needles Fall From It

JOHN: it’s actually a pine tree, but we call it a christmas tree.

KANAYA: Human Holidays Are Confusing

You don’t quite want to dunk your head into a boiling pot of water yet, but you’re getting close.

Instead of waiting until the actual holiday to alchemize things like you had for thanksgiving, you made sure to get everything you’d need to celebrate Christmas several months early. That meant you spent an entire day in the room with the alchemiter, alchemizing yarn for Rose to knit ugly sweaters with, a list of ingredients for you to cook with, three new aprons because the ones from thanksgiving had been absolutely ruined, gifts for every person on the meteor, wrapping paper, a Christmas tree, and a marker so that you could write everyone’s name on their gift.

Now, it actually _is_ Christmas, and it’s probably about eleven in the morning. Everyone is sleeping aside from you, Kanaya, and Karkat, since you’re the three people who plan to make Christmas dinner together. You think Rose may be up too, but you aren’t sure.

KARKAT: ARE WE GOING TO START COOKING YET OR WHAT?

KARKAT: IF NOT, I’M GOING BACK TO SLEEP.

KANAYA: Do Not Be Such A Grouch, Karkat

KANAYA: It Is Christmas

KANAYA: I Believe Humans Advise You To Be Merry On This Holiday

KANAYA: Merry Christmas

KANAYA: Is That Correct, John?

JOHN: yeah, that’s great and exactly right, kanaya!

JOHN: and karkat, we’re about to start cooking. both of you put your aprons on, ok?

Kanaya and Karkat nod at you, donning the green (Kanaya) and gray (Karkat) aprons you’d alchemized for them. You’d decided you could make them a little more custom this time, since you weren’t on a crunch for time. Your apron is blue, and you wore it to bed last night. Dave complained, but he got over it pretty quickly (if you’re going to be the small spoon just because he’s six feet tall and you’re five feet tall, you’re allowed to wear an apron to bed).

You know Christmas dinner will take significantly longer, because there’s a lot more to it than there was to thanksgiving dinner. You stand in the kitchen for at least a minute, just eyeing the ingredients, trying to decide what to do first and what to do last. You open the fridge and freezer and decide that your first step should be defrosting the ham, so you lug it out of the freezer and cut it open.

KARKAT: DOES THIS SHIT HAVE BONES LIKE THE LAST SHIT?

KANAYA: It Is Too Early For You To Be Saying Shit That Many Times

JOHN: no, this one doesn’t have bones, but it will have fat.

JOHN: we also need to make a honey glaze for it.

KARKAT: I KNOW WHAT HONEY IS.

KARKAT: BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS HONEY GLAZE?

KANAYA: Language, Karkat

KARKAT: SORRY, KANAYA.

KARKAT: SO WHAT IS HONEY GLAZE?

JOHN: it’s pretty much just honey, but thinner. it usually goes with the ham.

While Karkat sits at the table and complains under his breath about honey glaze, you take the ham (now defrosted!) out of the oven and set it on the counter. You preheat the oven to 325 degrees and start mixing corn syrup, butter, and honey. Kanaya watches over your shoulder the entire time, and you’re surprised she isn’t taking notes, with all the hovering she’s doing.

KANAYA: I Know That The Thick Yellow Thing Is Honey

KANAYA: And I Believe One Is Butter

KANAYA: But What Is The Other?

JOHN: corn syrup!

JOHN: you were right about the other two, though.

KARKAT: WHEN AM I GOING TO GET SOMETHING TO DO?

JOHN: right now!

You tell Kanaya to go sit down at the table with Karkat and gather the boxes of potatoes you alchemized, then you fill a bowl with hot water and carry it all over to them (you almost drop the water, but you manage to catch it at the last minute).

JOHN: alright!

JOHN: so, what i need you guys to do is pour the potato mix into the water, and then mix it.

KANAYA: Do We Not Need A Spoon For Mixing?

JOHN: of course you do, i just forgot about it. heh.

You walk back to the counter and find a wooden spoon.

JOHN: ok, here.

JOHN: now i want you to dump all of that potato mix into the bowl and then stir it around.

JOHN: i would hand-make the potatoes, but it would take a lot longer.

KANAYA: Ok

KARKAT: OK.

You take the honey glaze out of the oven and set it aside, and then you change the temperature of the oven and slide the ham in. You pour the cranberry sauce you’d made a couple days ago into a bowl and set it aside, and then you’re at a loss for what to do. You had finished making most everything a week prior, and the only things that had been left were the ham, honey glaze, and the potatoes. Speaking of the potatoes, Karkat and Kanaya are still working to mix them up, and when you look over at them they give you the thumbs up.

JOHN: well, i am going to go find dave, i guess!

JOHN: kanaya, put the potatoes in the microwave for a few minutes when you’re finished mixing them, and call me if the timer buzzes.

JOHN: ok?

KANAYA: Ok John

Karkat is glaring at you as you walk out, probably because you’d told Kanaya to do everything and hadn’t given him even one instruction, but what can you say - you trust her with things like that more than you trust Karkat. Not that you don’t trust Karkat, but you trust Kanaya more when it comes to remembering something important (and using the microwave).

You walk down the hallway and knock on a few doors, trying to gauge who’s awake and who’s asleep. You get a few calls of “shut up!” and a few thumps, probably something being thrown at the door, and the only time you get a response that isn’t angry is when you get to the last room on the right side of the hall - Rose’s room.

ROSE: Good morning and Merry Christmas, John.

ROSE: Would you like to come sit with me, or have you somewhere to be?

JOHN: i was going to look for dave-

ROSE: Oh no, you can’t.

JOHN: i...can’t?

JOHN: why not?

ROSE: Nevermind that.

ROSE: Come sit with me for a bit, would you?

Man, girls are weird.

You walk into Rose (and Jade’s) room and sit in the chair next to Rose’s, wringing your hands in your lap. It used to be a nervous habit of yours, but it more or less turned into an all-the-time habit instead of a when-you’re-nervous habit.

ROSE: How are you today?

JOHN: fine. rose, why are you being so weird?

JOHN: i know girls are weird, but you’re being extra weird.

ROSE: Weird?

ROSE: No, I don’t believe I’m any stranger than usual.

JADE: hey r-oh, hi john!!!

JOHN: hey, jade.

Jade walks into the room, kisses Rose quickly, and kicks you out of the chair you’re sitting in, so you have to walk across the room and pull a different chair next to Rose’s other side. The two of them are looking at each other, communicating with their eyes. You aren’t sure if it’s a girl thing, or if it’s a Jade and Rose thing.

JADE: so, what are you up to, john?

JOHN: cooking.

JOHN: why are you and rose being so weird?

JADE: weird????

JADE: i dont think were being any weirder than usual, john!!

JADE: rose, are we being weird?

ROSE: I don’t believe so.

ROSE: Would you prefer we make out in front of you? Is that “normal” for us?

JOHN: god no!

JOHN: please no!

JADE: rose is kidding!!

JADE: but we arent being weird, john

JADE: maybe youre being weird!!!!

JOHN: yeah, maybe.

JOHN: hey rose, did you finish those christmas sweaters?

ROSE: Yes, and I’ve left them in the rooms of those they were knitted for.

ROSE: I have yours with me, however.

She hands over the sweater. It has a huge Christmas tree on it with all blue ornaments, and there’s a horrifying pattern around it that does an injustice to fashion. You hope Kanaya doesn’t start crying when she sees it.

JOHN: why isn’t mine in my room?

JOHN: this is all very fishy.

ROSE: Nothing is fishy. You’re being crazy.

JOHN: jade, have you seen dave?

JADE: nope!!!

JADE: are you looking for him??

JOHN: no?

JADE: yes!!!!!!!

JADE: thats so cute!!

JADE: anyway, i havent seen him anywhere

JADE: have you, rose?

ROSE: No, I haven’t.

ROSE: I’m sure he’ll turn up soon, John.

JOHN: i hope so! he can be annoying, but i still love him.

JADE: ugh, you guys are SO cute!!

JADE: rose, why are WE not that cute????

ROSE: Because we are much cuter, dear.

JADE: true!! we take the cuteness cake, you and me

ROSE: I suppose you could use that metaphor.

KANAYA: John? The Timer Is Buzzing

You shoot up out of your seat.

JOHN: thanks for the time, ladies, but i have a ham to tend to!

Rose and Jade both wave at you as you run out of the room, and Kanaya follows you closely. Once you make it to the kitchen, you get to the oven and find an oven mitt in record time. You open the oven quickly, stop the timer, and take the ham out. Since you don’t know who all likes honey glaze, you pour it into a bowl and set it down on the table. Karkat hands you the bowl of mashed potatoes, and you dip your finger in it to see if it’s cool or hot. It’s lukewarm, so you decide to put it back in the microwave. You ask Kanaya to start setting the table.

You aren’t good with time (breath is more your thing), but you think it would be around five o’clock in the evening earth time, so you deem it late enough to eat dinner. By the time the mashed potatoes are finished in the microwave, Kanaya has a space set at the table for everyone (and there are a whole hell of a lot of you - all of the trolls, you, Dave, Rose, Jade, Dirk, Roxy, Jake, and Jane) and you start bringing the food to the table. Kanaya helps you with it, but Karkat sits at the table with his arms crossed, pouting like you’d told him he wasn’t allowed to help you.

KANAYA: Are We All Finished Here?

JOHN: yep!

JOHN: would you mind going to get everyone?

KANAYA: Not At All

KANAYA: And Karkat, Stop Pouting, It Is Not Good For Your Complexion

Like that, Kanaya is off down the hallway and Karkat is done pouting. Kanaya has this way of getting people to do what she says, and that’s why you’d sent her to fetch everyone instead of going to yourself - because in under five minutes, the table is full, whereas it probably would’ve taken you about an hour just to get Terezi to the table.

Well, the table is _almost_ full.

JOHN: where the hell is dave?

KANAYA: Language, John

JOHN: sorry, kanaya.

JOHN: does anyone know where my darn boyfriend is?

ROSE: Haven’t seen him.

DIRK: No idea.

ROXY: not a clue

JANE: I haven’t seen him since yesterday night.

JAKE: No idea, chap!

JADE: no clue!!!

TEREZI: H4V3NT S33N TH3 COOLK1D 4ROUND 4T 4LL

You deflate like a balloon.

JADE: aww, its ok john!!

JADE: im sure hell turn up soon!

DAVE: you guys talkin about me

JOHN: dave!

You’re out of your chair and in Dave’s arms in less than a second. You know you’re acting kind of ridiculous, but the last time you’d been apart from Dave it had been for three years, and a separation like that kind of makes a person clingy.

DAVE: woah there sweetcheeks

DAVE: im all for this dont get me wrong

DAVE: but youre acting like i was gone for-

DAVE: you know what im not gonna finish that sentence

JOHN: i think it’s best you didn’t.

Dave sets you down and you both walk over to the table, where you find Terezi and Dirk already grabbing food. You’d say grace like your dad used to, but the trolls are already confused enough about Christmas and you don’t want to add religion to the list of things they’re confused about. You wait until everyone’s done getting their food to get your own, even though there isn’t that much left for you. You didn’t make this dinner for you, anyway. You made it for your friends, and they certainly seem to be enjoying it.

JOHN: there’s fruitcake after everyone’s done!

DAVE: fucking gross

You frown.

DAVE: i mean wow incredible 10/10 would not eat anything else

JOHN: thank you, dave. you should know that you at least have to fake it for your boyfriend.

ROSE: Personally, I love fruitcake.

DAVE: thats because theres something wrong in your head lalonde

DAVE: few screws loose

DAVE: probably a few missing

JADE: do you want to fight me dave??

JADE: because we can fight!!!

DIRK: Like you could take on a Strider.

JADE: i have guns!!!!!!!!

JADE: GUNS!!!

JAKE: Ill back her up.

DIRK: Fine, if you back her up then I get to back Dave up.

DAVE: haha suck it harley

JADE: suck what??? your non-existent dick???

DAVE: oh im really feeling the burn from that one

DAVE: why would i want you to suck my dick when i have john for that

JOHN: DAVE!

You whap Dave upside the head and Dirk gives him a high-five. You narrow your eyes at him.

JOHN: do not encourage him!

DIRK: You can’t tell me what to do.

DAVE: youre not his mom

JOHN: why are you both ganging up on me?!

JADE: yeah stop ganging up on john you two!!!

JAKE: Yeah, leave him alone!

JANE: Everyone needs to calm down!

JANE: It’s Christmas, and I think we should all get along and have a very merry time!

JANE: Who’s with me?

ROXY: im always with you janey

Jane gives Roxy a quick kiss. You know they’re holding hands under the table.

TEREZI: HON3STLY 1 COULD C4RE L3SS

KARKAT: I’M WITH TEREZI.

KARKAT: IT’S LIKE...WHAT’S THAT HUMAN PHRASE WHERE YOU WATCH SOMETHING AND EAT AT THE SAME TIME?

ROSE: Do you mean “dinner and a show”?

KARKAT: YEAH, THAT.

KARKAT: HUMANS ARE SO FUCKING WEIRD.

KANAYA: Karkat, Watch Your Language At The Dinner Table

KARKAT: SORRY, KANAYA.

DAVE: haha

KARKAT: FUCK OFF, STRIDER.

KANAYA: Sigh

JOHN: heaviest sigh.

JADE: its about to get good!!

DAVE: suck my dick

KARKAT: SUCK IT YOURSELF.

DAVE: i think we covered this earlier

ROSE: Boys, reign it in.

ROXY: yeah lets all just chill and eat this fucking rad food john made

ROXY: btw thanks john

JOHN: it was no problem, roxy! thank you for not being annoying at christmas dinner!

DAVE: was that directed at me because ill fight you john

JOHN: dave, i swear to god.

DAVE: square up

JOHN: da-

DAVE: throw them hands

JOHN: d-

DAVE: meet me behind the playground

JOHN: DAVE!

JOHN: shh, just, shh. silence. who’s done eating?

Everyone throws their hand up. You sigh and look down at your untouched plate of food.

ROSE: We’ll wait for you to finish.

You smile and then you start eating. It doesn’t take you very long, and once you have the last bite of mashed potatoes in your mouth everyone is rushing out of the kitchen and into your makeshift living room, where all of the presents are. Kanaya offers to clear the table for you, and when you tell her she doesn’t have to she waves you off and tells you she’ll do it anyway. You give her a quick hug and walk into the living room, where everyone is already tearing into their presents. You don’t really mind.

DAVE: no fucking way

DAVE: no fucking WAY

DAVE: john how the fuck

JOHN: i guess i am just magical.

Dave is turning the camera you alchemized for him over in his hands, looking at it like it’s his most prized possession. You knew he’d been trying to alchemize one for a while, but he hadn’t been able to do it properly - hell, it had taken you five hours to alchemize, but you don’t plan on telling him that. Time isn’t important when you love someone.

ROSE: John, it must have taken you ages to alchemize this shade of yarn.

ROSE: I’ve been trying for months.

It took you a few minutes. You won’t tell Rose that.

JOHN: no one gets to know how long it took me to alchemize their gift!

Everyone groans.

JOHN: just be happy with them!

JOHN: are you all happy?

Everyone nods.

You decide their gratefulness makes up for the fact that no one alchemized you a present. They all set their gifts aside and walk to the couches in chairs in your little makeshift living room, and everyone sits exactly how you could’ve guessed they would. Jade lays with her head on Rose’s lap, Rose plays with her hair, Jane and Roxy cuddle together on the far corner of the couch, and everyone else is just spread around. Kanaya walks into the room, opens her gift quickly and thanks you with a kiss on the cheek. You smile.

You head to your room even though you know it’s only about eight o’clock in earth time, and you take your pants off and flop facefirst onto the bed.

DAVE: woah baby im always up for a shot of egbert ass

JOHN: shut up, dave.

DAVE: alright alright

DAVE: as much as id love to sit here and admire your ass for a while you need to sit up

DAVE: i have something for you

You prop yourself up against the headboard. Dave hands you a horribly wrapped present with your name scrawled on it in absolute chicken scratch (you know it’s his writing) but you kiss him even though the wrapping is terrible and kind of making you wish he’d let you wrap it for him.

JOHN: stick to rapping with an r instead of wrapping with a w, ok?

JOHN: this is horrendous.

DAVE: that was the shittiest thing youve ever said

You make a face like you’re hurt.

DAVE: im kidding

DAVE: now open my shitty wrapped up gift

You open his shitty wrapped up gift and almost cry when you see what’s inside. It’s the grimy bunny from Con Air, the one he got you for your thirteenth birthday.

DAVE: i know you dont like con air anymore

DAVE: and that i gave you this present almost four years ago for your birthday

DAVE: but im trying to be sentimental and shit

JOHN: you got this idea from rose, didn’t you?

DAVE: nope

DAVE: came up with it all on my own

DAVE: she knew about it though

DAVE: harley did too

You set the bunny aside and throw your arms around Dave’s neck. He pulls you into his lap.

JOHN: no wonder they were being so weird.

JOHN: it’s the best gift anyone’s ever given me, even though you already gave me it once before.

JOHN: merry christmas, dave.

Dave smiles at you, and it’s like you got two Christmas presents instead of one.

DAVE: merry christmas john

He kisses you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked this! i haven't been writing as often because i'm pretty busy right now with treatment and such, so i haven't had a lot of downtime to write.
> 
> formatting this was a bitch. it took thirty plus minutes.
> 
> also, sorry i haven't been answering comments! there are just so many. but know i am very thankful for them.


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